there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
