So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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