there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
