sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
