Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Randomize
