I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
