sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
