Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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