I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
