you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
