I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
