Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so let's talk penis.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
