She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
