Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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