Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
