He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
