just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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