I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
