I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
