My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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