Swine flu. Run for my life!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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