the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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