did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
