Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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