i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
