OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
false alarm. still invincible.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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