I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
