I seem to have left my pride at pride
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
