Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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