Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
