You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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