Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
