Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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