Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Randomize
