1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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