Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
