Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
