my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
