I feel like I'm in dance class right now
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
