I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize