Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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