Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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