i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
well you can't waste a boner
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
