how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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