Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
