Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My penis needs a shock collar
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
