I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
