he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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