Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
