My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
