Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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