Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
