apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Your penis caused this!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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