Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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