so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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