I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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