I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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