the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
