I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
